“Other fathers” - it’s not about machismo
BUT FIRST ..."OTHER MOTHERS"
I speak a lot about having “other mothers”. By that I mean other women that act like an extended network of feminine figures, who each offer a unique and diverse experience of nurturance, support, guidance and wisdom. Not possibly met by a singular mother figure.
By extension this also includes different generations of women; “other grandmothers” and “sisters”. And in bipartisan, you also act as another mother, grandmother, or sister to others.
But this also goes for having “other fathers”, and “grandfathers” and “brothers”.
While my work gravitates toward working with women, I'm certainly not anti men or against working with men. In fact, now more than ever I seek out, deepen into, and appreciate being met by, held and guided by, positive masculine energy and men - "other fathers".
Possibly from ‘Song of the Forest’, Viktor Ivchenko (1963)
Most of my "other mothers" are not in-person figures - although I wish they were. The culture of building community, honouring elders, has dissappeared with the preference of individualism in Western culture in particular. I have some girlfriends like sisters, but the wise older women in my life have tended to be been writers, speakers, teachers, and healers - wise women - from other times and places. I’m working on it, i.e towards rebuilding this tangible community through my Rites of Passage work.
The same goes for my"other fathers"; I have absorbed their care, and healthy masculinity through their work and offerings - as teachers, writers, philosophers and artists.
"OTHER FATHERS"
Below I've listed some interesting men, who've been "healing masculine" forces in my life.
I’m sure if you ask me in another year, or decade from now, this list might be a little different - but here they are for this point in time and place. If you're in need of some “other father/grandfather/brother” energy, they might vibe with you too, or inspire your own seeking.
I've shared links for some, but mostly they are freely searchable and accessible. Some are so prolific my links are merely entry points. Each of these men influence me directly and indirectly. I’d say they act like ‘soil’ or structure to relax into. All inspire me to live, lead, create, and work in my way.
Eternity by Mikalojus Konstantinas Čiurlionis in 1906.
In no order of importance …
Nick Cave (other brother) - A long time fan, I've observed him grow as an artist and witnessed his life's journey, including how immense grief and loss is merged with and expressed through his music. A subscriber to my newsletter recently let me know about his red hand files newsletter which has been such a boon for me. It is tender, religious, raw, tough, honest, intelligent. I adore it.
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Freddie De Boer (other brother) - A relatively recent discovery. I’m an avid reader of his substack and one of the few I pay for. I admire his immense generativity - 3 or more full, articulate articles a week. As a political-cultural-social thinker and commentator with an anarchist leaning, he helps me keep my finger on the cultural pulse without having to drag myself down rabbit holes and listen to too much rubbish and propaganda. He does it for me! and summarises it, and of course offers it up through his lens. He abhors identity politics and he first coined the term “gentrification of disability / mental illness” - as someone with a serious mental illness himself. This has also helped encapsulate my concerns about ‘wellness’ and “mental illness as identity”. I don't agree with, or even understand everything he says, but I appreciate him as my ridiculously clever and interesting “brother”.
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Michael Meade (other father) - Is a mythologist, ritualist and teacher of soul, fate and destiny. He leads a wonderful weekly Living Myth podcast and has a prolific range of workshops and offerings that are very affordable. I've done a few of these; they are intense, generous, and richly evocative.
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Irvin D. Yalom (other grandfather) - A renowned existential psychiatrist and teacher. His book ‘The Gift of Therapy’ is thoroughly thumbed - advice so simple and real and full of beauty and care. His grandfatherly way of guidance has helped me immensely to be present for and love my clients - almost taboo in psychology lore. I love him.
Tias Little (other grandfather) - A weird and wonderful yogi. His use of humour, analogy and metaphor helps you go beyond the poses and I’ll often laugh out loud while doing a class. He’s written a wonderful book ‘Yoga and the Subtle Body’. I try to do at least one class a month online through Prajna Yoga. His philosophy is “dare to go slow”.
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Slavoj Zizek (other father) - My daughter who is a philosophy student first introduced me to Zizek - a Slovenian philosopher and Lacanian psychoanalyst, a few years ago. He's odd, scary intelligent, prolific, political, and a true character. Hard to really describe him - not everyone’s cup of tea. I suspect the eastern European heritage also holds some personal appeal.
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Alejandro Jodorowsky (other grandfather) - I devoured his book ‘Psychomagic’ - it cracked something open in me - I felt changed after reading it. And his book on tarology and reading the Marseille Tarot is often close at hand. He’s an artist, tarologist, surrealist. Beyond that he has a unique way and philosophy on life and healing that includes initiation, ritual, beauty and creativity, expansion and making doors, refusing to live as a victim. Another odd one.
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Martin Shaw (other father) - I've mentioned him before several times as a storyteller, mythologist, and wildman. I own his books as physical copies and on audible because the sound of his voice reading his books is transformative. I listen whenever I fly. His 10 episode podcast that accompanied his book ‘Smokehole’ is great, as is his substack. Deeply mythic, poetic, religious. A worthy investment.
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Dionysus - Source unknown
Richard Rohr (other grandfather) - I owned a treasured copy of his book ‘Falling Upward’ but it got destroyed accidentally and I haven't gotten around to replacing it; this is my reminder to do so. This book first opened my eyes to the 1st and 2nd half of life as a concept, and it changed me. A Franciscan priest from the Roman Catholic tradition, he openly sees himself as more pantheistic. His religiosity may not be for everyone, but his teachings (and by extension the organisation The Centre for Action and Contemplation- CAC) present Christianity and religion through a mystical lens and is principally anti-dogmatic. On the CAC youtube they are often abused and labelled as heretics.
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James Hillman (other father) - I tried to read his famous book ‘Re-visioning Psychology’ and actually couldn’t get through it (I’ll try again later), but read ‘The Soul’s Code’. For me though where he really came through was in the audio recordings of his multitude of lectures and seminars. Something about his high intelligence, humour, and playful, soulful and mythological way of expressing, engaging and interacting with his audience that was pure joy and quite mesmerising for me. His ideas were also at the time very original; he developed Archetypal Psychology - an off-shoot from Jungian Psychology. Big on the image, beauty, awe and myth. He’s been criticised as too boyish - I see that, but the energy here is still good - almost could be an "other brother". Huge fan.
Having “other mothers” and “other fathers” means that we are not so reliant on the prototype of a nuclear family to have all of our needs met. This extension of being raised by a community is still enacted in other cultures, but many of us have lost this connection - somehow we bought into the false idea that your personal mother and father need to meet all your needs. And are surprised when they don't, or fail.
DR MENDY NERALIC
When I reflect on how these men "speak to me", I can see how I admire their high intellect. But also they seem to lack pretence and bravado - machismo is absent yet strength is present.
They have a quality of vulnerability that has nothing to do with weakness. I’ve also noticed the word “odd” and “weird” has come up, so there is a subversive, perhaps trickster element I obviously admire.
They are creative, and seem to show deep care and interest in people and the world. In a way that’s different to women.
Each seem to lead in a way that is powerful, and holds authority but doesn’t need to ruin or overpower anyone else. Their authority activates and encourages. I'm not naive to possible shadow elements that might contradict this; I don’t know these men personally and of course we all carry shadow. But for the most part, their rawer honesty could at least protect more against this.
Let me know of your “other fathers, grandfathers, brothers”.
What do your “other fathers” bring to you? How do they support and guide you? How do they live through you?
Mendy xxx
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