The Passage: The only way out is through

I recently listened to an interview with Jungian analyst James Hollis, discussing his new book on resilience. It was one of those interviews that was rich with wisdom and you could certainly listen to it over again, and come away with something new and pertinent to present-moment-life each time. Amongst the richness, he said a simple thing that I found extraordinary. That is,

 “depression is … psyche’s way of withdrawing energy … [that] the psyche is not amused” [!].

 As a therapist, I admit to getting excited when I read or hear different ways to show how our most difficult emotions and experiences can teach us something. In fact they are there to signal us something! To make us pay attention!

Most people come to therapy looking for answers and solutions to their pain. But they make the mistake that the answer will be in getting “rid of” the difficult emotion. People will describe overwhelm, extreme anxiety, or a rage, a sadness and despair.  Extreme or chronic imbalances in mental, emotional, energetic and spiritual well being have brought them to the point where they can no longer ignore the signals and need help.

Having been in each of these places, they’re certainly not places you want to live. It’s important to be with these experiences with empathy and compassion. It’s essential that resources for coping, rebalancing are developed. That out of whack nervous systems be encouraged back into a state of equanimity. That you develop confidence in your capacity to handle and manage these extremes. However, to then use the relief to think that is the end of the story, and just go back to your life as it was, is a missed opportunity.

James Hollis describes these darker and harder moments as a “passage”; a space to go through, to come out the other side transformed in some way.

Once you grow courage and build capacity to stay steady enough, try and resist the urge to forget and turn away. Use the strength gained to dig down a little deeper, and listen to the answers to what lies underneath the tricky moment. You might start to notice that below it all, you feel lost … that you’ve lost your way … that you don’t feel like yourself and don’t know who you are. Memories, hurts, losses might arise and you need to take care to be supported at this time so you can start to process and resolve these.

This can be in the presence and with support of a therapist, trusted partner or friend. Or this enquiry can be done by paying attention to how everyday, in your boring, dramatic, and mundane life there are small and big challenges that offer opportunity to go through a passage. To enquire, check in and resolve a soul issue.

You can begin to ask … 

“What is happening in my life (the events, relationship dynamics, conversations, outcomes …) when these feelings come up?”

“What is this depression/ anxiety/ frustration/ confusion / hurt … signalling to me?”

 “What role does my emotion have?”

 “What is my soul trying to tell me about what it disapproves of?”

Sometimes, these questions can feel too immense to answer. As there is often no simple answer that our logical, rational mind will be satisfied with. So we must allow ourselves to be open to the subtle signals, the vague indications, the whispers, and the small clues. LISTEN keenly for the answers. Notice what comes up; as words, images, memories, a vibe, impressions.

Continue to enquire:

 “What in my life needs revising? How are these emotions signalling that?”

 “What must I do differently that serves my soul purpose?”

 “What means something to me?”

From my experience both personally and in my work with clients, what is meaningful that meets soul’s approval isn’t usually dramatic (but it can be). They are about taking time to … go for a walk, read that book, call that person, fix that zipper, write for 15 minutes a day, hold your partners hand, initiate sex, take swimming lessons, join a reading group, take language lessons, ask for help, apologise, take a break for lunch, say “no”, say “yes” …. .

As James Hollis advises, “What matters to you?, Go live that!” and equally encouraging, Thomas Moore suggests, “Be what you’re good at”.

So once you get the signals, it’s essential that you RESPOND to the clues being sent to you.

But this part is often the sticking point, as often people want things to change without changing themselves, or inconveniencing their lives. Or they cut themselves down and off before they even begin, by justifying “how is that small thing going to make any difference to my immense and complex problems!”.

The mind hits up against wanting a direct, logical solution to windy, deep, cryptic, hidden, multilayered, historical, ancestral problems. If you can let go of ALWAYS using this linear, analytic, scientifically provable approach (there is a place for logic and science of course!), then the solution to your problems will start to unravel slowly. You’ve being following these little cryptic clues for a while, then all of a sudden you notice you start to feel different. Things that once bothered you, don’t. Or you can now address the things that bug you without being triggered.

So you don’t have to be afraid of the hard and challenging emotions, that suggest darker place of your psyche.

You can honour the symptoms and use them as important signals, opportunities to learn, to deconstruct old patterns, to resolve misunderstandings and unfinished business, and go THROUGH IT, to recreate a new beginning and way of being.  

Mendy xx